The Most Ridiculous Fic Ever
by The Sarcastic Polar Bear
Summary: Mal and Natara thought they had experienced many unusual things. But when a voice starts following them one day, they embark on their most random adventure ever.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey, guys. I know, awesome title. This is just a really weird idea I had. It may be confusing to read, and if it is, I'll find another way to write it.**

As an SFPD detective and a federal agent with the FBI, Mal Fallon and Natara Williams thought they had seen it all.

Mal looked up from his desk. "Who said that?"

Me.

Mal scowled. "Well, that's helpful."

Natara sighed. "Mal, it's probably just Kai playing some practical joke."

Nope. Kai's in the crime lab doing normal stuff. I'm the narrator of your fanfic. My name is The Sarcastic Polar Bear and it's an honor to meet you. If you don't believe me, I'll poof you into the crime lab and you can see for yourselves that I'm telling the truth.

"Sure," Mal scoffed. Before he could continue, he found himself standing in the crime lab. "Well, uh… that's creepy…"

"Yup," Natara agreed.

Kai sat at the desk, playing the Sims on one of the lab computers. "C'mon! Grr! I burn and break things even in the Sims! No fair!"

In my Maltara Sims family, you randomly walked outside and stood outside the window while Mal and Natara were in their underwear.

Kai jumped from his seat. "Ghost!"

How many times do I need to say this? I am the narrator of this story! Now you can all be good little characters and do as I say, or you can be rebellious and not follow my awesome storyline.

"Hold it. What kind of storyline?"

I don't know yet. But I'm not the only one who writes about you guys. Tons of people write fanfics about Maltara! It's so cool! GET IT ON.

Mal nudged Natara. "Don't you think this would be a good time to use those profiling powers of yours?"

I heard that. Remember, I'm in charge! FEEL MY WRATH! Okay, I can't really hurt you guys because you're too awesome, but… OSCAR CAN FEEL MY WRATH! MWHAHAHAHA!

The lights in the lab flickered ominously for several long seconds before finally staying on.

Sorry, guys. I had a moment there. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah, I was invading the crime lab and trying to explain that I'm the narrator and what I say goes.

"Really? Because for a moment, I thought that we were in charge."

Natara gave Mal a look. "Mal! Are you trying to provoke her? She's clearly a different person…"

Yeah, I get that a lot. I guess normal people aren't too lazy to be lazy. Does that make sense? Most people don't think so. But I'm really lazy, so I think it does. Or maybe I don't. Wait, does _that_ make sense? Or am I just too weird? Do I talk too much? My best friend says she gets scared when I'm quiet because it makes her think I'm plotting something. Sometimes I talk on and on, then I get super quiet for a long time. Hey, one time, my friend-

Kai seemed to be the only one paying attention to the ramble. The mysterious voice didn't seem to notice as she moved from one subject to another. She spent a solid ten minutes discussing the types of pudding she liked before recalling a tale of the time she threw gummy bears off of a hotel balcony and little kids fought over them.

"That's so awesome!" Kai exclaimed excitedly. "They really fought over them?"

Yeah! This kid kept yelling, "Mom! There are gummy bears all over the place!" Then his brother yelled, "YOU HAVE MORE THAN ME!" So they started yelling at each other!

"Ha!" Kai laughed. "It would have been awesome if they went all ninja and attacked each other!"

I know! I would have fallen off the balcony laughing! Oh yeah, and one time, I was at my best friend's house, and I walked into their screen door and it completely fell out of its frame and landed on the ground!

"That is totally something I would do!" Kai gasped. "What did your friend do?"

She laughed at me for walking into a door and made me fix it. I'm not a door fix it person, so it was a hard task. Oh yeah, and one other time, we-

Mal let out a cross breath and tried to open the door. "Hey, why is it locked?"

Oh, yeah. It won't open until I continue the storyline. I'll do that as soon as I tell Kai about the time I went ding dong ditching on Halloween and the lady came outside to look for us!

"Now," Mal grouched.

Fine. I'll tell my awesome stories later. I guess I could continue the plot, or lack of plot. To the woods!

"The woods…?" Natara asked.

"Hey! We were having a conversation!" Kai complained. "I like this narrator!"

I know. We'll get back to our chat later. I've got a story to write.

There was a strange sound, followed by a cloud. When it cleared away, Mal realized that they stood in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by trees. "Hey, isn't this the place we came to find the guy who killed Uncle Lenny?"

Sure is! You guys cuddled inside a hollowed out tree. And Mal shot a rabbit for dinner. And an owl made Mal panic. Remember?

"How do you know that?"

I'm the narrator, remember? The narrator knows everything about you two. I even know that Natara is engaged to Oscar, but I'll take care of that unfortunate situation right now! Just crawl inside that same tree and cuddle for the time being.

"I'd rather just go home and-"

I said cuddle. Don't make me use my narrator authority to make you! Okay, I'll use it anyway because it's cute when you guys cuddle.

Natara turned to look at Mal, but as soon as she opened her mouth, they were sitting inside the hollow tree. "Maybe we can find a way out of this while she's gone."

You guys better be cuddling when I get back. I have important matters to deal with. Oh, I'm off to do some damage! Some wonderful damage to Oscar!

And then the voice was gone.

**Okay, is it confusing? Since I'm a narrator and not exactly a character, the things I say wouldn't necessarily be placed in quotation marks. If you want, I can put it in italics so that way you can tell it apart from the other words and stuff. I don't wanna confuse you! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey, guys! If you're an Oscar fan… do not read this chapter. **

Oscar was just leaving the courthouse after tending to his duties when the voice rang out.

"Am I being followed?" he asked.

Yes. Yes you are, Mr. I Have To Interfere With Maltara and Make Everything a Big Mess for the Shippers!

"What? I'm confused." Oscar glanced around in hopes of finding the source of the voice. Nobody stood within a near distance, and the voice sounded as if it came from above.

You should be confused. Walk across the street.

"Why…?"

I SAID SO! NOW WALK, DONKEY BOY! Yeah, I called you donkey boy. It's a special joke I created. Now GO before I resort to physically harming you! Well, I'll likely do that anyway, but just go!

"Alright…" Oscar began to walk across the street, but he got hit by a bus. A blue bus with a picture of an orangutan on it.

He glared upwards as he lay sprawled across the concrete with his limbs bent at odd angles and blood draining from a head wound. "You made me get hit by a bus?"

Yup. Heh. I made a funny.

"Can't you do something? That hurt!" he whined.

Ugh! Fine! I'll change it, you big baby. You can't let a teenage girl have a little bit of comical fun, can you? You're such a jerk. And you wonder why nobody likes you.

Before he could answer, there was a squeaky sound similar to that of a rewinding tape, and he found himself once again standing on the curve. He dodged the blue orangutan bus and made it safely to the other side of the street.

But then a chicken followed him and pecked him fourteen times in an… area. Oscar howled in pain while the chicken squawked in a chickenly way before waddling off to lay eggs like chickens do.

"W-what was that for?" Oscar grunted through strained teeth. "That hurt even worse…"

FINE! I'LL CHANGE IT AGAIN! GOSH!

This time Oscar outran the chicken and took shelter at a nearby building behind a pile of wood. But the building was being demolished and a brick fell on his head.

"No!"

Grr! Oscar jumped out of the way before the brick could damage his cranium, but a wrecking ball swung forward and struck him in the face. Not that it would make it look worse. It just hurt and shattered all of his facial bones.

"This is insane. Just fix everything!"

That's it! I'm rewinding again!

Because he had pushed the narrator too far, Oscar wasn't as lucky this time. He tried to dodge the bus, but it still struck him and the bus driver panicked and offered no assistance whatsoever. The moment he stood up, the chicken pecked him fourteen times _there._

He didn't see the falling brick until it landed on top of his head. His skull made an audible cracking sound, and he fell to the concrete and clutched his head for several long moments before staggering to his feet.

WRECKING BALL TIME!

"Oh, God…" Oscar didn't even attempt to move as the wrecking ball swung at him three times. The last one sent him fifty feet into the air, and a helicopter caught him. Oscar weakly clung to the ladder as they sped away, scowling as a crowd of pigeons left their droppings in his hair.

Yay! We're flying! _I beeeeelieeeeeve I can flyyyyyyy!_

By the time the helicopter stopped, Oscar had no idea where he was. The pilot lowered the piece of aircraft slightly before cutting the ropes of the ladder. It fell, sending Oscar plummeting into a muddy river.

He somehow managed to get to his feet, and paled when something tugged at his leg. He nervously reached down, paranoia completely overwhelming him.

"There aren't any sharks in this water, are there?"

Naw. That's a swarm of piranhas. Go, little fishies! ATTACK!

Oscar jumped up and down, trying to free himself from the vicious group of piranhas that seemed fascinated by the taste of his flesh. He jumped out of the water and curled up in the fetal position.

"Get me out of here…" he pleaded. He was cut off as a poison dart frog hopped on his face. "Ahh!"

You may not wanna touch that. Their skin is coated with a highly toxic substance. So if I were you, I would get if off of your face.

Oscar smacked the bright blue frog, and it hopped away calmly. He backed away from the river and into the forest, hoping to find a safe place without piranhas or dart frogs.

He grabbed a limb to steady himself. Or what he thought was a limb…

"What else could it be?" he asked.

A boa constrictor. Duh. Am I the only one who knows to watch out when you're in the middle of South America with no map or weapons? I've never even been there and I know that.

The large boa slithered around him and squeezed tightly, hissing threateningly. Oscar turned a shade of purple as he felt one of his ribs crack.

"Can't breathe…" he whispered. "Make him let go…"

Don't worry. Actually, none of these creatures are as horrible as the media displays. But you still need to take extra caution. Should I name the boa Tom? Tom! Dance!

Tom let out a happy hiss and started dancing to the cha cha slide with the skills of a professional. Now free, Oscar stared blankly at the snake before he broke into a run.

"Gotta get back to civilization," he panted, looking down to avoid tripping. When he looked back up, he found himself face to face with a jaguar.

Have fun with the jaguar, Oscar. I have to make sure Mal and Natara are cuddling, so you're on your own from here.

"What? No!"

Hehe! I may or may not be back! Hope you had fun on this little journey! I'mma go check up on Mal and Natara now and if they're all snuggled up, I'll let them do something else awesome!

**So, guys, am I a weirdo? Well, yeah. But I hope this amused you. I was surprised at the popularity this got! Would you guys mind reviewing that much again? ;) **


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